Warning: This is a completely satirical piece. If you have a problem with satire or other forms of irreverent humor, don’t read this, okay?

Thank you!

Mr. Smythe and Mr. Hilter sit across from each other at a table. Mr. Moderator takes a seat in between them. Like so …

Mr. Moderator: We’ve convened today to discuss an issue concerning land acquisition. I understand that you both feel strongly about your positions. It’s my hope that we can find common ground today.

Mr. Smythe: (pointing at Hilter) That man is a menace.

Mr. Moderator: Now, now, Mr. Smythe. Is that pronounced SM-EYE-TH, long eye, or SM-I-TH, short eye?

Mr. Smythe: It’s spelled Sm-eye-th, but it’s pronounced Grackleman Von Smithers.

Mr. Moderator: [long pause] Oh. Okay. Now, Mr. Hilter … I do have that right, don’t I?

Mr. Hilter: Perfect.

Mr. Moderator: Oh, good. Mr. Hilter, I understand you’re interested in acquiring more real estate.

Mr. Hilter: I’ve taken over Poland.

Mr. Moderator: How … nice. And how much more spacious than before, right? I can appreciate that.

Mr. Hilter: I plan to own Paris by next week.

Mr. Smythe: Did you hear that? This man’s crazy.

Mr. Moderator: Okay, okay. Both of you, please. Let’s be reasonable. Mr. Smythe … um, let’s try to look at this from Mr. Hilter’s perspective. Now, Mr. Hilter, perhaps it would also be a good idea to think about Mr. Smythe’s point of view. After all, there’s no need to rush into that. I’m sure you can appreciate the possibility of reaching a mutual agreement. Sir?

Mr. Hilter: Yes. I agree upon taking what I want or I’ll punch you in the nose.

Mr. Moderator: Um … I sense you’re frustrated. I can appreciate that.

Mr. Hilter: Then, I want England. All of Britain.

Mr. Smythe: Can you hear yourself, sir? One more crack like that and I’m leaving.

Mr. Moderator: You know, there are two sides to every prob … um, issue, Mr. Hitler —

Mr. Hilter: WHAT did you call me?

Mr. Moderator: I’m … I’m sorry. It was a slip of the tongue, Mr. Hilter. Now, as I was saying, there are two sides —

Mr. Hilter: Do that one more time, and I’ll punch you in the nose.

Mr. Moderator: Wouldn’t want that, would we?

Mr. Smythe: I told you this was useless.

Mr. Hilter: You’re right. Listen. This has been fun, but I gotta go.

The three men stand.

Mr. Moderator: Okay. We can set a date for further talks later.

Mr. Smythe: My arse we will.

Mr. Hilter: See you later, suckers.

Mr. Moderator: Thanks for coming.

Mr. Moderator extends his hand to Mr. Smythe, who gives it a quick grab and drops it. Mr. Moderator then tries to shake Mr. Hilter’s hand. Mr. Hilter punches him in the face.

Mr. Moderator: (holding his nose) What was that for?

Mr. Hilter: For the fun of it.

Mr. Hilter leaves.

Mr. Smythe: Idiot.

Mr. Moderator: Yes, he is.

Mr. Smythe: I meant you, soppy bollocks.

Originally published at on July 6, 2018.

New York Times bestselling author of seven novels, including the Sam McRae Mystery series. Screenwriter, podcaster, and blogger. My website: .

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