Warning: This is a completely satirical piece. If you have a problem with satire or other forms of irreverent humor, don’t read this, okay?
Mr. Smythe and Mr. Hilter sit across from each other at a table. Mr. Moderator takes a seat in between them. Like so …
Mr. Moderator: We’ve convened today to discuss an issue concerning land acquisition. I understand that you both feel strongly about your positions. It’s my hope that we can find common ground today.
Mr. Smythe: (pointing at Hilter) That man is a menace.
Mr. Moderator: Now, now, Mr. Smythe. Is that pronounced SM-EYE-TH, long eye, or SM-I-TH, short eye?
Mr. Smythe: It’s spelled Sm-eye-th, but it’s pronounced Grackleman Von Smithers.
Mr. Moderator: [long pause] Oh. Okay. Now, Mr. Hilter … I do have that right, don’t I?
Mr. Hilter: Perfect.
Mr. Moderator: Oh, good. Mr. Hilter, I understand you’re interested in acquiring more real estate.
Mr. Hilter: I’ve taken over Poland.
Mr. Moderator: How … nice. And how much more spacious than before, right? I can appreciate that.
Mr. Hilter: I plan to own Paris by next week.
Mr. Smythe: Did you hear that? This man’s crazy.
Mr. Moderator: Okay, okay. Both of you, please. Let’s be reasonable. Mr. Smythe … um, let’s try to look at this from Mr. Hilter’s perspective. Now, Mr. Hilter, perhaps it would also be a good idea to think about Mr. Smythe’s point of view. After all, there’s no need to rush into that. I’m sure you can appreciate the possibility of reaching a mutual agreement. Sir?
Mr. Hilter: Yes. I agree upon taking what I want or I’ll punch you in the nose.
Mr. Moderator: Um … I sense you’re frustrated. I can appreciate that.
Mr. Hilter: Then, I want England. All of Britain.
Mr. Smythe: Can you hear yourself, sir? One more crack like that and I’m leaving.
Mr. Moderator: You know, there are two sides to every prob … um, issue, Mr. Hitler —
Mr. Hilter: WHAT did you call me?
Mr. Moderator: I’m … I’m sorry. It was a slip of the tongue, Mr. Hilter. Now, as I was saying, there are two sides —
Mr. Hilter: Do that one more time, and I’ll punch you in the nose.
Mr. Moderator: Wouldn’t want that, would we?
Mr. Smythe: I told you this was useless.
Mr. Hilter: You’re right. Listen. This has been fun, but I gotta go.
The three men stand.
Mr. Moderator: Okay. We can set a date for further talks later.
Mr. Smythe: My arse we will.
Mr. Hilter: See you later, suckers.
Mr. Moderator: Thanks for coming.
Mr. Moderator extends his hand to Mr. Smythe, who gives it a quick grab and drops it. Mr. Moderator then tries to shake Mr. Hilter’s hand. Mr. Hilter punches him in the face.
Mr. Moderator: (holding his nose) What was that for?
Mr. Hilter: For the fun of it.
Mr. Hilter leaves.
Mr. Smythe: Idiot.
Mr. Moderator: Yes, he is.
Mr. Smythe: I meant you, soppy bollocks.
Originally published at randomandsundrythings.wordpress.com on July 6, 2018.